• SoloStar

Good Grief

Sometimes you can feel when something extremely wack is bout to happen. Like your spirit braces itself before anything transpires. August of 2018 was like that. We were kicking it so hard that summer; so geeked that you had moved back to Minnesota. One night early August we had such a ball we did not remember how we got home. We were mostly sure your brother had driven us home, and when we went outside to locate my car, one of the side mirrors was missing. Shit seemed to be downhill from there. We stopped going out. Stayed in, taking naps. Crying, praying, literally holding each other. Something shifted and it ain't have nothing to do with my lil Nissan. In hindsight I understand we were grieving. We were heartbroken over something we could not see and did not understand. We just thought we were in a mood, and having both experienced traumatic loss and bouts of depression, we just comforted each other through it like we normally would.

Around that same time you felt this urgency to see all of your family. You planned barbeques, sleepovers, and made sure you were at every function. You went to Chicago and was pissed you ended up stuck there a week longer than you'd planned, not knowing that extra time was needed with your folks there. You made that beautiful live video on the rooftop that so many of us cherish. Your words like poetry; profound, beautiful and godly. Haunting now. Cause why you say all that? Like an open letter to your loved ones; you spoke like you'd never see us again. And for many of us you didn't. When you came home the next day, you were supposed to come to the crib. I tried calling you before I left for work to see what time you was coming and if I should leave my apartment unlocked. I was irritated you didn't answer. Phone dead per usual. I almost locked it cause I was annoyed. I get petty when I'm annoyed. But I went back and unlocked it, obedient to the spirit. When I got to work you asked me if my door was unlocked and I told you "God told me to leave the door open for you :)". I was so happy that I did and so were you. That was the last conversation we had. That was the last thing I said to you.

I've spent this month so far doing my best to be intentional with every day, instead of drowning in Apple Crown liquor, your fav drink. Remember when you ain't even used to drink? The life of every party, sober as hell lmbo. How someone with so much life die so young? How you ain't here to be a teetee to Carter? How our kids don't know each other? How we never got to go on tour together? Take an international trip? See each other get married? You were a hopeless romantic. I think you left that energy on me lol. I can't even call you and tell you about my bae. We had the juiciest conversations about niggas lol. Sister, what kind of world we live in that you ain't here?

The morning I learned of your passing was the sunniest day ever. My house was flooded with light and it was so beautiful it was eerie. I still feel odd when I wake up and the sun is shining too bright. Did you know you gave me permission to shine? I met you at an open mic in Uptown. You were the host and you memorized the lyrics to my one song I had at the time. You were my first fan. You made me feel important. Took me to my first out of town show. Told me I was better than all the people I thought were cool. " What do you need their opinions for? Who the freck (iykyk) are they?! You better than them sister!".

I don't remember the point I was trying to make in all this, it turned into something else. Oh, August, you funky muthafucka. You reintroduced me to Grief. I thought losing Cairo was the worst thing that can happen. But there is not "worst" in grief. There is only loss and gain. In losing a loved one, we hopefully find more God and a deeper sense of self. Losing Cairo prepared me for losing you in a way. I knew I could not afford to sink too deep or I may not return. I had to learn to swim in the #deepend. Maybe even create a healing opportunity from it and help others. Maybe write my way out of sorrow; the way we promised we would when we got matching broken hearts tatted on our right hands. I promise to make our dreams reality sister. The pain only makes sense when we use it for fuel! I've got a ton of it, so they can watch our spaceship (insider). I love you. Sleep well.

I curated a journal about grief titled "7 Day Grief Journal for Hip Hop Lovers" that is available on Amazon. I hope it helps you on your healing journey. I hope in the midst of your loss you gain new perspective. And above all else, I hope you're able to find the good in your grief.

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