Losing Cairo was the culmination of all my fears. It felt like I birthed all my pain for the world to see, and no wonder baby boy did not survive. It was my low self worth, my uncertainty about the partner I chose because of my uncertainty about who I was. It was God’s rejection. It was the fear of not being good enough. Of being so close to completion, to self, to love, yet still falling short. It was knowing somehow that you would. When you aren’t sure you deserve good things it leaves hella room for bad things to take root. I’m not blaming myself, just explaining how energy transfers.
You ever had a nightmare so vivid you knew you were boxing in the spirit world? Fighting to wake up, but some being is holding you down. Lurking, eager to keep you from light? I had such an experience about the midnight hour of Cairo’s birthday just now. Suspended between life and death. Afraid to let go of the darkness because it was easier to hide there. But knowing somehow in this lucid dream, my healing, my son, my higher self was on the other side. It is some other worldly, out of body, x-files type shit. So much so I woke up from my tormented sleep to write this. Tears in my eyes. Carter on my breast now. We both sweating. I imagine he was fighting with me and for me in the spirit world. Get up Mommy! Come on Craig, get up Craig! I imagine Cairo was fighting too, for his brother and the vessel he traveled through for 23 weeks and 23 days. I’m saying imagine but this is my real life in real time. Where images distort and are so terribly fucked up you can’t tell nightmare from current events.
I argued with AJ that morning. We had been at odds, just not vibing. He was heavy on my nerves and we were late for the ultrasound. Side note; it’s kinda sick how the jelly they put on your belly slick feels like spilled seed. Babies that didn’t make it. The tech told us so casually there was no movement and the baby was deceased that we had no room to process the shit and literally had to tell her to please be quiet cause this was new news. I’m imagining AJ said please, but really he’s an NFL so it prolly was like ‘yo can you give us a fucking moment, you just told us our baby was dead’ with that scowl he gets when he can’t believe your audacity. I ain’t say nothing cause I could not speak. I had a scream trapped in my throat so fucking vicious I still feel it, but years of biting my tongue prepared me for that moment. I ain’t cry for like ten minutes. Mind blown. It was a gut punch and honestly I’d rather have been gut punched because at least it would have all made sense.
Fast forward to the labor pains. I gave natural birth to Cairo Z’aire Jackson. Talk about close to death. Double entendre. They force you to hold these babies you know. Trauma bonding-I mean-bonding. I don’t know about you but dead things make my skin crawl. It is a fear that I’m not quite sure where it stems from but something about the largeness of it all. Beyond comprehension or reason. Intimidating. Death swallows you whole. I fucking cringed trying to hold the frail body of my sweet baby boy. Panicked and nearly dropped him. As I write this on my phone at 1:27 am on his birthday I’m not sure I’ll be able to share this. I screamed for them to come get him. It was a nightmare inside a nightmare. Like you know you in it and can’t wake up. Thank God for Sunshine. My sister. She is the only one who lovingly held my first child. I’ll forever honor her bravery because I could not. I’m not sure that it’s a regret, it just is.
As it stands, I loved and anticipated that baby with the best part of my heart. The part the world and even my own negative self talk could not reach. Sometimes I wonder if the things we deem meant to be are actually the culmination of our fears, or lack there of. And as I hold my rainbow baby, the beauty after storms I had no idea I could weather, I am brought back to the only thing that got me through; and I said it even when it weren’t true: I still trust God.
And that single thought is the beginning and the ending of healing. Happy 4th Birthday Cairo. Kiss your TT’s cheek for me. Watch over your brother, your daddy and me. I’ll love you past forever. 🤎🧸🎈